Skip to content

If you were a color, you’d be a double rainbow

well, I am 4 days into my 30’s and things seem to be ok. My pants are definitely tighter, I can’t tell if that’s due to my age of this cheese stuffed burger I had last night.

My fiance and I had an agreement a couple of months back that if we were engaged by my 30th that he didn’t have to buy me anything for my birthday, BUT if we were not engaged than he better bring on the best gift in the world. I mean I was talking unicorns and rainbows. Luckily for him, we were engaged. Therefore, when it was my birthday month, I wasn’t expecting anything from him. Plus, I know that ring and engagement party hit his bank account pretty hard and I wasn’t going to add salt to the wound. I did however make some “free” birthday suggestions for him. I told him just to write me a card about how great I am. You know, a card about why he loves me, how pretty, smart and all around great I am.

If you know him, you know he is the best gift giver out there. His gifts are thoughtful and funny. Well, we go to dinner and to my surprise he puts a gift on the table. In one of the boxes are two small fill-in books. One is, 50 reasons why I love you and the other is, 50 reasons you are awesome. Each page has a sentence and you fill it in like mad lips.

These are my favorite ones and they are clear examples of why I love him:

If you were a color you would be A DOUBLE RAINBOW
If you were an animal you would be A SNAKE IN THE GRASS
You pick the best FIANCE’S

That my friend is the man I love. I hope you all find someone just like that, but just don’t take him….I might have to cut you if you tried.

XOXOXO

Creepy

30 and sober doesn’t sound as fun

Seeing that today is the last day of my 20’s, I thought maybe I should say a little something. I was a little late starting a blog about being in your 20’s and sober. I wanted to write about how young people can be sober and have a fun life. What it should have been about, or I guess what it did end up being about is how to live a “normal life” without alcohol. Who the hell knows what normal is though. I guess for me, its being a person amongst people, a worker amongst workers, a person that loves without expectations all without giving into my crazy head that tells me one minute I am the queen of the universe and worthless the next. The road to normalcy, for me, is a thin road between the land where Creepy deserves your job, your house and your car on one side and the land were Creepy gives you her job, house and car for you to just like her on the other side. Sometimes, my head is so filled with chaos that I’m like a baby learning to walk, just stumbling from land to land.

I was talking to someone in program last night about how excited he was that he was able to pay for some repairs he needed to his car. He was excited that he took care of his responsibilities and had the money to do so. Only people in fellowship get why that’s exciting to us, that we are able to do things like that and its even fun to us. Only in fellowship will people clap for you because you did something that “normal” people do all the time, like pay your bills on time or go to work on time.

My life isn’t always fun. I have a job that I feel under qualified for sometimes and intimidated by. This week has been one of those weeks that I was convinced someone was going to find out I have no idea what I am doing and fire me. I’ll get fired and have no money to save for the wedding and we will lose the deposit on my dream venue. The truth is, I am exactly where I need to be. I am learning at my job and people are more than willing to teach me. All my work reviews have been good, great actually, but its hard for me to see that sometimes when I don’t feel confident. I am in the middle of moving in with my fiancee. This is the first time I will have a roommate in 7 years and the first time living with a lova. My place is filled with boxes and just crap. How did I accumulate so much crap? Why do I have every No Doubt and Little Mermaid memorabilia ever created and why can’t I get rid of any of it? I have put shirts in the “donate” box and then worn them the next day thinking, I love this shirt, donate? No way. I have so much of my moms stuff that I continue to take with me move after move that hold no value to me yet I just cannot let go of.

You know, normal stuff? This is just stuff everyone deals with and does. I just tend to over react and over dramatize things to the point where they feel unmanageable and I miss all the great blessings that come with it. Its like I am missing the, it’s no big deal gene or something.

But its good. Fun, almost. It’s not going to a food truck and eating like you have a metabolism of an 18-year-old but its I’m a grown up and able to do these things fun. All my life I had no idea how easy it was to make big decisions. I want to move in with my lova, just give 30 days to your land lord and pack. You want to get married, just take money from your savings and give it to the place you want to get married. The hard part or I guess, the journey of it all is doing that with a balanced head so you are marrying the right person and putting your life on a path that is healthy and blessed by God. Well, for me blessed by God, that might not be your thing and that’s cool.

Turning 30, moving and getting married is super fun once all the details are cleared. I am marring someone that lets me be crazy and just says, it will all work out.  The cool thing for me, maybe not so cool for him, is that I am comfortable being “not perfect” around him.  I don’t have to pretend I am not going crazy so that he will like me.  I know he likes me, have you met me?  why wouldn’t he? (See, I just stubled across both lands there in one sentance).  I am getting older with my friends and family that let me be apart of their journey. I get to be apart of new people being born into this world and watch them grow. I get to work at a job that teaches me something each day and that I enjoy. That’s all fun stuff. So I guess this blog is about being sober and having fun. The fun just doesn’t look the same as it did when I was younger and I am so grateful for that.

A life beyond your wildest dreams

A year ago, almost to the date, I was devastated because my boyfriend was moving to another state and I had no idea what our future held. I just knew that it was something he had to do and that no matter what path our relationship took, that God would navigate us through it.

Since then, there have been a couple moves, a couple new jobs, a minimal amount of fights (considering) and about a thousand miracles.

On Saturday, my boyfriend became my fiance. It was a fairytale. A fairy tale of lies, but a fairy tale. That was dramatic but as the “event”, oh it was an event, unraveled I realized that my friends and family were fantastic liars. They had all been keeping this secret from me for 6 weeks. I vented to most of them about him taking his time with asking me. I told them, I doubt he has even asked my dad or bought the ring yet. They just smiled at me and told me how great of a guy he was and to not worry.

My aunt told me that we were going to a the Philharmonic with girls from my family saturday. She kept reminding how nice the place was and to make sure I looked my best. Luckily, I listened, even got a manicure that day. Any woman out there understands how clutch that ended up being.

I pulled up to my aunt’s house, she has a gated front yard. I walked through the gate and there were two guys with cameras standing in the front yard avoiding eye contact with me. I started drilling them, “Who are you? What are you doing here? Does my aunt know you are here?” Then I realized that I knew one of them, “Dave?! Dave?! what are you doing here?” He told me there was a message waiting for me on the bench.

And it begins. From this moment on for about 24 hours I was in shock. My friends and family said they have never seen me so quiet in my life. My now fiance, said that I looked like I was in another world. He totally surprised me.

He made a video of him asking my dad permission to marry me, buying the ring and showing the ring to my mom at her grave site. He’s perfect right? It had photos of us and our family to some meaningful songs. After, my dad opened the door with flowers and was basically jumping up and down saying, “Come on cait! Here we go!”. I just looked at him and said, is he sick? Where is he?. You see, my beautiful boyfriend had told me he came down with a horrible flu on thursday. Me, being the loving and trusting girlfriend that I am, believed him. My dad, still jumping, just laughed and said, “You really don’t get what is happening do you?”

We drove up to the home I grew up in. The home that has me and my sister’s hand prints in the drive way. There, my family and his were waiting, grinning ear to ear. It started with my dad and I dancing to, “Isn’t She Lovely”. Then his wife and her mom came and walked flowers down to me, then his mom and dad came and greeted me with flowers and kisses to, “I Got You Babe”. My sister, nieces, his sisters came down to, “All The Single Ladies”. His brother, our brother in-laws and his nephew came down to, “I Want It That Way”. From then on it was a one man show. He lip synced and danced, with props, to several different songs. Little Mermaid, “Part Of This World”, with a red wig. “Come Sail Away” with a blow up guitar. Aladdin’s “Whole New World” with an Egyptian king hat. “All By Myself” while holding a picture of himself. “The Way You Make Me Feel” with a Micheal Jackson hat and moves to match.

I, of course, said yes. He then threw an engagement party with the people he knew meant a lot to me. It was catered with a burger bar and mini pies. Mini pies! It was a dream.

There were a minimal more meaningful details involved in that day that I won’t add because if I do, we would be here all day.  He knew how much I would want my mom there and that being at that house is as close as I can get to her.  He knew how much I would want my dad, his wife, my aunt, sister, brother in-law and nieces there and he made it happen. It was meant a lot to have his family there, cheering him on and welcoming me into their family. They have loved me like a daughter/sister for years but now it is official and having them there meant a lot to both of us.

Oh. And the ring. THE RING. He had it made. The exact ring that I was in love with. I told you, fairy tale.

The thing is, God gave him to me. God gave me this caring, crazy, man for me to love. God gave me this sober life with its ups and downs and its amazing ability to love and care for other people. He gave me 12 steps to heal my life and recover the relationships I hurt so that they could all be there that day. 5 years ago I knew I had a problem but I was afraid to stop drinking because I wanted to have a champagne toast at my wedding. I was single. Not a date in sight, miserable but holding on to this idea of a champagne toast in the future of never because I had absolutely nothing to offer anyone, living in the world of delusion that I couldn’t stop drinking for that.

Today, I couldn’t imagine trading all of this for that. I am so grateful that I will not be drinking at my wedding. We all know it would not be a classy toast and that’s it. It would be a miracle that I would make it to the toast. I always dreamt of a man who would dance in the streets for me but I thought it was too good to be true, that guys like that only exist in movies. I dreamt of having my family together and having a moment the way it was when my mom was here. I dreamt of having friends and family that love me so much they would go out of their way to plan an event for me. I have a life way beyond that, way beyond my wildest dreams.

Just another day at the nail salon

Yesterday I went to the nail salon to get a mani-pedi. The salon was empty except for me and another girl who was getting her nails done across the room from me. I had two girls working on me at the same time, one at my feet and one on my hands. The woman doing my hands was sweet, we had casual conversation. “Do you work?” Yes. “Do you have kids?” No. The normal nail salon interrogation. I have the worlds smallest hands and therefore the worlds smallest nails. Every time someone sees my hands or holds them I always get the same response, “Oh my god you have baby hands!” I am pretty sure my 4-year-old niece has bigger hands than I do. That being said, every time I go to the nail salon I have to apologize for my freakishly small nails as they hold my hand to their eyes trying to find the nail.

So this whole song and dance occurred yesterday with this woman at the salon. Trying to lighten the mood I go, “Are small nails hard? I’m sorry, I know it takes a lot of concentration to do them”. The woman stopped, looked at me and although I couldn’t see her mouth through her face mask I could tell she was mouthing con-sin-trait-ion. She began saying out loud to the two other women working there something in another language that I didn’t know. All I did understand was that every tenth word or so was concentration. The woman doing my hands said it, then the women across from me working on a customer said the ten words and then concentration, then the woman at my feet. Same thing, ten words in another language then concentration. I began to panic. I made eyes with the customer across the room from me and she made eyes back. I was afraid that I offended this woman, I was just trying to acknowledge my small nails and how much more work I am sure they are then the normal person’s nails- a totally normal and rational concern.

The woman doing my feet looked up at me and asked, what does concentration mean? I say, focused. Then again, the ten words and focus conversation goes on amongst the three of them. By this time I am doing a nervous laughter and the other customer is doing it for me too. I start telling the girl who is doing my nails that I hope I didn’t offend her, I was just making like a joke, a bad joke. The woman just keeps working on my hands and starts saying concentration then the other two women start too, they just keep repeating the word. At this time I am in full panic. I think I offended all three of them and I am apologizing and the other customer is apologizing for me too, explaining how I was making a joke about my hands. She was a good little codependent too, I hope she is doing ok….

Finally the woman doing my hands looks at me and says, we are learning english and we have never heard of the word concentration before. The other woman asks if I can write it down for her. OH. Of course. Like everything else in my life this situation had nothing to do with me. These woman were not plotting my death because I once again said something stupid. I just share that to show how in half a second I can think the entire world is against me and out to get me. That my words or actions are so powerful that I can bring three woman to plot against me, a money paying customer and stranger. I am not that powerful or that important. More importantly, the world and its people aren’t as bad as I think. I always go the negative and never think, maybe this situation has nothing to do with me.

Growing up, we had a wall to ceiling wall of mirrors in our dinning room. We ate our meals in that room and I always sat across the from the mirror so that I could stare at myself. I wanted to know how I looked when I ate, talked looking to the right, looking to the left, laughed, anything. I just wanted to know about me, me, me. I have been obsessed with me since I met me so its hard for me to break out of that and realize its not all about me. Sobriety has really helped with that, helped to teach me to care for others and think about other people but at the core it’s all about me. I don’t say that in a boosting way. It actually is embarrassing and something that I work on everyday to change.

Remember me?

Hi there. My name is CreepyCait and not only am I an alcoholic but I also don’t finish things I start and I tend to stop doing the things that make me happy once I get there. There, of course, I am referring to as the state of being happy. That is my long winded attempt to justify my absence from this place. This blog, reviewing it’s stats and the comments you guys made really helped me. I was at a new job that I was miserable at, adjusting to my boyfriend moving out of state, learning how to stay sober through
change and wa-la! Here you were. My safe haven. Then, the clouds parted, God picked me up and placed me exactly where I wanted to be and just as fast as I got here, I was gone. I apologize.

I must say I love that some of you have missed me. For an ego-maniac like me, it was like zero calorie cake, I just wanted more.

Life has been so good and so busy. In the last three weeks alone I have been in Arizona, Maryland and Illinois. I’m actually mid air flying home as I write this. I was sent to Chicago for training where I learned all about bad guys and how to catch them. The amount of money people make from medical fraud is astonishing. Every week I learn more and more about the scams that are happening just across the street. I love it. I’ll tell my boyfriend about it and ask, isn’t this just so cool? And he will say no, I prefer to think of the good in the world and not the bad. I mean, I do too but some of this stuff is just plain cool.

My boyfriend is moving back to California at the end of the month. He will be 90 miles away, starting a job in a new area of our field and we are all very excited for him and to have him closer. We still have no clue how or when we will live in the same city again let alone under the same roof but we are both good with this step that brings us closer. Step one, same state, step two same city, step three, same house. Or something like that, I’m sure my dad would like a wedding ceremony in there before we share a roof but he learned to accept my Creative Writing major in college so I think he can accept basically anything at this point. I really have no clue how it will work out but I know God knows and that he will show me the way when he’s ready. I’m good with that. I’ve never been happier and I’d bet a twenty my boyfriend would say the same. I got a raise so I can live a little more dangerously. Really though.

You guys really need to see my teeth, these bad boys are white. I was oil pulling five days a week but with my schedule being so crazy I usually only get to it now a couple times a week but they are white. I notice if I skip a few days they get dull but if I do it again they are pearly white just like that *snaps fingers*

I still struggle with my weight. Ugh! Why did they send me to Chicago for a week and pay for my meals? It’s a blessing and a pain because I have no will power. Have you seen a Chicago style pizza? How do you order a salad, dressing on the side when one of those is starring you in the face? They had buffet breakfast, lunch and snacks each day too. You all know how I feel about snacks. How do you walk by a table of cookies and diet coke and say, no thank you I’ll have this banana instead? You don’t that’s how. If you’re like me, you grab three while no one is looking, shove them in your mouth then the rest of class just keep going over the fact that you just ate three cookies in under a minute. I didn’t know if I should be proud or put myself in rehab. A girl I met at training came to dinner with me one night. I had a torta, chips with guacamole and churros. Yes, plural. After I ate she just looked at me in amazement and said, how are you so thin? You just ate like a sailor back from war.

You see I get comments like that a lot. Actually they usually say, you are really skinny for how much you eat. It’s kind of like saying you look really good for your age. I don’t know if it’s a compliment or not. Did you think I was fat before you saw me eat and now that you know I eat like a growing boy, it puts me in a not so fat category? Whatever. I’m trying. Some days I’m trying. I got a Jillian Michael’s workout video. I even did the work out in my hotel, I’m telling you, I’m trying. I did the workout monday and I honestly think I pulled the back of my leg from those inhuman squats she made me do. I have shooting pains and can’t bend or stretch out my legs fully. I’m a mess but I’m trying.

Oh, did I mention that I went and got four years of sobriety while I was away? It was a little strange this year, being away from the place I got sober. I took a couple chips at the new meetings I go to but no one there knew the girl I was when I walked into AA four years ago. They were very nice, gave me a cake and a chance to speak but they don’t know me know me. They don’t know how crazy I am or was. They can’t appreciate how far I have come from creepy caiters. I’m simply creepy cait now, that’s huge. I could talk for hours about how fantastic four years of sobriety is and how good my friends and family are at making me feel special but I spent too much time on my weird eating habits above. Let me just say, all of my friends and family are so happy I’m sober. They all answer my calls now. Any time of the day, that’s huge too. That being said, work happy hours in different states are still challenging for me. Free drink tickets? Really? Of course people ask, water? Really? Ugh. Ya really. I want to yell back, I’m an alcoholic ok! And storm out but I’ve been told I’m an adult and have to act accordingly. As my sponsor says, my job is to go to training, not happy hour. So I went to a meeting halfway through happy hour. Thank God for AA. I am so lucky that I can usually always find a meeting anywhere I am.

It feels good to be back. I’ve missed you guys.

Have you met me? I’m obsessed

So, if you know me at all, you know that I tend to get obsessed with things easily.  Not only do I get obsessed but I go to extremes.  I posted last time that I was doing a cleanse, well I survived and loved it.  As my boyfriend so kindly put it,  I wasn’t fat,  I had just been eating like it was Christmas for about 4 months and I needed help stopping.  I did the Trader Joe’ Cleanse which is a set of fiber pills, digestive pills and liver pills that you take day and night along with a healthy diet.  Basically what I got from the directions was that I could only eat fruit, vegetables, chicken, fish, and nuts.  That means, no caffeine or sugar!!!  The first three days I had a half cup of iced tea to survive the headaches.  It was ok because the directions simply say to try to avoid those things.  The “try to avoid” directions saved me when I had an f-u binge day at a birthday party.  I had about 5 plates of nachos and with every bite I would repeat to myself, “It’s ok, it simply says try to avoid and I tried but I could not avoid”.

I found that I actually like to eat simply.  I have found that I love kale chips and there are many things that can be done with spinach.  I did crave a bone-in rib eye for a couple of days but it soon passed.  It did help that I am going to Vegas on friday and plan on getting one then, but none the less it passed.

During this process I added a few other things that I am obsessively doing.  My boyfriend and I are doing this 30 day squat and abs challenge.  Each day they tell you an amount of squats, sit ups and crunches to do.  I added push-ups to it because I am an addict and more is always better.  As you know I am also in love with coconut oil.  Every morning I put a tablespoon in a shake and a tablespoon in my mouth to oil pull.  I know it this new craze going around and I thought that I would join in on that too.  I also joined a yoga studio that is 2 blocks from my house that I walk too.

This is what my mornings now look like, wake up, pray, do the challenge, take the pills, oil pull for 20 minutes/shower, make shake and get to work (which is in my apartment because I work from home sucka!)

After the cleanse was said and done, I lost 6 pounds.  I found that I still wanted to keep on the diet and was actually craving fish and veggies.  I don’t even miss coffee and that’s saying a lot for a girl who was on a 3 cup minimum a day diet.  I don’t crave the sugar, however, I reminded myself of how good it is and added it back in even though my body no longer wanted it.  I made sure my body took it in, no excuses.

As for the oil pulling.  My teeth feel really strong.  I have had extremely sensitive teeth for the last ten years and I haven’t even noticed any sensitivity.  My teeth are a lot whiter and today after a little over a week of doing this, I noticed my breath wasn’t so bad when I woke up.  As for the coconut oil on my body, I mean, you know, I love it.  My skin is so soft and my face is even toned.  I have dryness and lines on my eye lid and around my eye so I only use the oil on my face  before bed because it drips into my eye and I can’t see.  During the day I keep on with my usual face routine.

As for the yoga, I was able to lift myself up on my forearms, do a back bend and a head stand with the help of the wall.  I actually look forward to going because it eases me and makes me feel strong, emotionally and physically.

So that’s what I have been up too, just obsessing and living life.

I’m on a cleanse, forgive me

It seems my posts are getting fewer and fewer, I apologize.  Life has been in session and its been good.

I have been holding onto a resentment for about 6 months now.  I was at a meeting and it was when I was really overwhelmed with life and didn’t know which direction to turn.  I shared about it and the guy after me said that he was listening to all my struggles and then he thought about his struggles and he was just so grateful to have them.  He went on to say, and this is what I am resentful at, that if he didn’t have these struggles and his life was perfect he would drink.  That having struggles keeps  him sober.  That the struggle gives him fight to stay sober.  I don’t know about you, but I am chasing that perfect white cloud of perfection for a reason.  I want to get to that cloud and sleep on it forever.  I am sick of struggles, that man can put my struggles in a bag and use them to keep him sober while I sit over here and eat apple slices….did I mention I am on a cleanse?

So, I don’t know why I have been so annoyed at this man.  I guess I just hope that my sobriety wont always be me jumping from one hurdle to the next.  My life has been really good these last two months.  Dare I say it, I think I am the happiest that I have ever been.  I will probably regret saying this, but finally, I feel like all my ducks are in their perfectly straight little row.   Life is good today.  So here is where the fear behind my resentment comes in, because fear is always behind resentment, that I will lose my sobriety because life is so good.  That age-old saying that we got all the stuff back and went out because we stopped looking to God and working a program.  I guess it’s that whole, waiting for the other shoe to drop thing.  I really am not in fear of that, but not being in fear of it makes me in fear of it, does that make sense?  Am I allowed to share in a meeting if I have nothing to complain about?  I know people say yes, that I have to share how the program works for me.  After hearing someone share a tough time they are going through, its hard to say, oh yea?  Well my life is grand.

I guess that fear is a good thing, it does keep me going to meetings and working a program.  Sometimes I don’t feel like going and I think about that guy and his struggles and I get up and go, just to prove him wrong.  I don’t want to be that girl who got everything and then lost it again.  I want to stay in this little place as long as I can so I will keep doing the things that got me here.

Back to the cleanse.  Sunday night I started this Trader Joe’s cleanse.  They give you three sets of pills, fiber, digestion and liver, and then you eat small meals of fruits, vegetables, fish or chicken.  That means no diary, which means no cheese and also no caffeine.  So you will forgive me if you see me in the corner crying.  Actually it hasn’t been that bad once I got over the caffeine withdrawal.  I have just been eating like its going out of style and needed immediate help.

As for the coconut oil from my last blog, its amazing.  My entire body is so soft.  Most times when I am watching TV I find myself just rubbing my face because its so soft.  Go out and buy it folks, rub it all over and thank me later.