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Progress not perfection

September 23, 2013

When I first got sober I thought that I was never going to hurt anyone again.  I thought for sure that if you took alcohol away from me that I would be this perfect person that I always wanted to be.  I would be skinny, rich, beautiful with no effort and kind and loving to all.  I thought that I would get my family relationships back in an instant, my friends would all trust me again and I would fall in love with the man of my dreams.  That man would also fall in love with me, because I would be perfect.  Sadly, that isn’t so.  Alcohol is but a symptom and a crutch.  All this time I thought Alcohol was the ignition to my crazy, turns out it was, but it was also a mask for the real deep down crazy that I didn’t know about.  I had no idea how selfish and self-centered I truly am.  I really have to make an effort to do things for others.  It’s not that I don’t want to, I love my fellow-man and I love when people are happy, but I just love when I am happy ten times more.  The truth is I am obsessed with you and everyone else and how you think of me.  I am obsessed with being loved and adored that I step on the toes of the ones I love most just to get more and more and more!

Luckily, I have gotten everything that I expected to get out of sobriety, mostly.  I got my family relationships back, slowly.  My friends trust me again and actually want me to go places with them and they understand when I can’t go everywhere.  I have fallen in love and he with me.  I am not the size 0 I dream of being, I am still trying to figure out how I can eat 2000 calories a day, not exercise and lose weight and be tone.  I am not rich, but I am out of debt and God makes it that I can have all my needs and wants met.  I only got these things because I let go of the insane control I try to have on everything and everybody.  When I let go of trying to make you love me or compliment me, things seem to flow just right.  It’s when I want to know the future or the past or what you are thinking or what you might be thinking about or how you think of me or what you are going to do or how much you love me or anything that things blow up in my face and the debris hits the ones closest to me.  At least today I don’t have to live in that.  Today I don’t have to dwell over my mistakes.  I get to get up and try again, because I don’t want to be that way anymore.  I want to be free of self and fear and anything that cripples me into thinking I am not good enough or deserving enough.  Mainly, I don’t want to hurt the ones that I love so much.  I am still learning how to have relationships, that ish is hard.

Enough about that, man, time to talk about the amazing weekend, that I get to remember!  Someone close to me got married over the weekend and I got to be there, sober.  I got to show up and be in the moment of their love.  I got to dance and mingle and wake up the next morning without fear of, what did I say?  Before I got sober I was so afraid of never having fun again.  I knew that I had a drinking problem but I didn’t want to stop for fear that I would never have fun again.  The reality is, I was never really having fun.  I was so obsessed with getting a drink and then getting more drinks that I never enjoyed the people I was with, let alone put a drink down long enough to throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don’t care.  Don’t get me wrong, there are times that I see people drinking and laughing and I think, I miss that.  Then I remember that, that wasn’t me.  It might be me for about 20 minutes until something clicks inside, telling me to go get more and then not too long after that I am crying to a stranger in the bathroom and I have no idea where my shoes are.

So on saturday, I danced, I cried, I took pictures, I ate and laughed so much my cheeks hurt. I am so grateful today to have people who want me to share in their life stories and adventures.  If I had any idea how amazing life would be sober, I would have done this years ago.  Sometimes, I stop and think about all the amazing people in my life that truly love me and truly care about me and I get overwhelmed with gratitude.  Not only do I love them just as much but I get to enjoy and embrace that love today, so long as I don’t let the crazy take over.

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2 Comments
  1. Merilee permalink

    I love that you are sharing your feelings and love hearing you are happy

  2. SGFinnegan permalink

    Its amazing and scary the things we learn about ourselves in sobriety. A lot of what you have written about here could also apply to me. When I first got sober, I was resentful that the world kept carrying on, people continued on going about their lives. I thought that the world should stop because I had stopped drinking. I have since learnt the world doesn’t revolve around me! Thank-you for your inspiring post.

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