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Dear head, please shut up. Love, Creeps.

September 25, 2013

In my last blog I said that I no longer have to live in my mistakes.  I think I jinxed myself with that.  Every morning, well, most mornings, I wake up, pray, read daily meditations, work steps 3 and 7, and try to shut my head off with meditation.  (I swear it’s a simple program)  Usually, I enjoy this time.  Time to reflect and think about how grateful I am.  I start off grateful, thanking my higher power (I swear I won’t get all spiritual on you) for another day sober, lucky to wake up and not come too….with hard, dried out Del Taco cheese all over the bed.  I ask that all of my friends and family be blessed and ask for guidence…thats the short version.  BUT NOT TODAY.  Today my head decided that it was going to dwell and remind me of the mistakes I have made.  For those that don’t know me, I am sick.  I have a head that talks to me.  Not the same way that the people of Wal-Mart talk to themselves, but it’s still bad (that was judgemental, I will add it to my tenth step tonight).  It’s like an unseen pothole in the road, I will be walking down my happy, sunny path and then bam I fall in the hole.  Most times I don’t even know how I got there or how I let that stupid voice in again but all of a sudden I let that voice sit in the driver’s seat and take a ride.

So today, when I woke up, I didn’t even have a chance.  Before I could get out of bed and look at the time, my heart was pounding.  The anxiety of what will happen with my life was back.  It’s not even a specific thing, but EVERYTHING.  The voice was telling me, He doesn’t really love you, you will never move in your career, you haven’t seen your nieces or your dad in two weeks, people have no idea how horrible you are, your apartment is disguting…the list goes on and on.  I know what to do, I am not new to this rodeo, so I get on my knees and I start to pray.  I get to, “please bless my sister” and there it is, again, that voice.  I shake it off, “please bless my dad”, and strike two of the voice.  I finally had to give up because now the guilt of not praying right was starting to get at me.

I decide to pull out my box of tools:

contrary action- I am a great person.  Loveable, kind, generous, just plain good, I tell myself.

list out what the real problem is-  I like to run the show, my friend’s of bill will know what this means

I let that voice be my higher power and not my true higher power, I continually tell my HP to take.  TAKE IT!

I look to how I can be of service

call my sponsor or someone just as crazy as me.

and most importantly I tell that voice to shut the F up because it all is simply not true.

IT’S EXHAUSTING, but it works.

Sometimes, I only have to do one thing on that list, or maybe all of them but only once.  Today I feel like its going to by an every five-minute thing.  That’s ok.  As long as I don’t take it out on any of my victims (usually my boyfriend-he never really sees it coming.  Or the invisible people on the other end of my work phone) it will all be ok.  I know that this will pass, it always does and once it does I always laugh at how crazy I was for thinking it was all true because what is true is how amazing my life is.  My life is simple and I like it that way, minus the circus that comes into town every so often.

 

I almost don’t want to post this because I literally feel 100% better again.  Maybe its the blog or maybe it’s because I was still and didn’t attack anyone, whatever it is I am glad its gone.  My emotions come and go as quickly as that.  I need to remember that next time I want to react on my emotions….they always change.

 

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One Comment
  1. 1kendra1 permalink

    My head is definitely on attack mode today. Reading this helped tremendously. It’s always nice to know you’re not alone 🙂 Thanks ♥

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