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October 3, 2013

In April the company I was working for told us they were closing our office and moving to Phoenix, Arizona.  Seeing that we were in Ontario, California, the news was devastating.  Luckily, I am single (in the filing of taxes sort of way), don’t have a mortgage or children, so the hit wasn’t as great as it was for my coworkers that do have those things.  That being said, I am a person that is ruled by fear so I went into panic immediately.  My boyfriend and I were working together in the same office at the time so along with the questions of what would happen to me, I was also riddled with what would happen to him and US!  Oh, no, what would happen to us!

Needless to say, the next couple of months were rocky.  I wanted answers and I wanted them now.  I eventually did get the answers, as we always do, and adjustments were made.  I was able to stay with one of our sister companies.  I was able to keep my seniority and reputation but I also got an additional 30 min commute in bumper to bumper traffic.  My boyfriend took the job in Arizona and we have embarked in a long distant relationship.

Again, being a person directed and riddled by fear, all of this change has been exhausting.  I had and have to continually give it to God, as he has a plan that is always better than mine.  Along with fear is his counter part, control.  How can I control and navigate my little plans if God moves him to another state and keeps me here?  Maybe that is the lesson he wants me to learn, to give up the fear and control to allow him to put his plans into action.  At least I have to believe that or I will lose my mind.

The long distant thing has actually been working out, much to my surprise.  I only say, much to my surprise, because I am crazy.  When I was drinking I was known for “drive by’s”  and other forms of insanity to control my relationships.  Turns out if I let go and trust, things will continue on and progress without my meddling.  I am able to have time completely devoted to taking care of myself and forced to get out of his business and leave him alone, for the most part.  In return for that we usually get every other weekend together and actually get to enjoy each other and do activities.  I love activities.  I do struggle though.  I will randomly get a blow to my stomach from fear and anxiety of, “what are you doing?  This is scary.  You have no clue what is going to happen”  I can usually shake them off with prayer, meditation, fellowship, esteem-able activities, and just telling myself that it is all not true, but sometimes it lingers.  Luckily, he is good and knows that those insecurities are me, not him.

The job has been challenging.  It is the same job, only different.  Different people, different ways of doing things, and just plan different.  The commute has changed my schedule and I now wake up way earlier than I ever dreamed I would and it really drains me.  I had no idea the effect it would really have on me, but I am trying to adjust and accept.  ACCEPT.  So hard.

It was tough for me at first to make friends and enter the group of people who already knew each other and already worked well together.  I attempted to buy friends with doughnuts the first week, but I shortly learned that most people in my office are on diets.  I have in time made friends and only eat lunch alone in my car now when I want to isolate and play Candy Crush. That was until Friday.  I got into an argument of sorts with a coworker.  I wont go into details but I wasn’t as kind and loving and especially patient as I try to be.  I try to work my program of tolerance in all aspects of my life, but I definitely need improvement in the work area and with my road rage.

So friday, I get into this “disagreement”.  Usually I try to make amends quickly.  I know how resentments linger inside of me and rot and that it’s actually selfish of me to apologize and move on the quicker the better.  Friday I decided not to.  I decided I was mainly right and was going to leave it alone, I didn’t even call my sponsor.  I did a tenth step and put the disagreement on it, under when asked if I should speak to someone about it, I put yes, but didn’t speak to my sponsor about it.  Finally on Tuesday I broke down and told her.   I know I am in trouble when she replies, “This happened friday?  It’s Tuesday right?”.  She doesn’t need an answer, we both get it.

I told her that my boss asked me to apologize to smooth it over.  She told me that she wished me working my program wanted me to make an amends instead of being told, OUCH!  So yesterday, I made my amends.  It didn’t go as planned and ended in the “principle’s office” aka my bosses office.  It ended with us both agreeing to start anew and me feeling like the bad guy.

Today I have been stressed with learning new things and feeling like screaming from not understanding what I am doing.  I am a perfectionist and when I don’t understand anything I take it personally and want to give up.  I was feeling down about it when I ran into my boss.  Turns out she isn’t having a fantastic day either and we ended up talking about God’s plan together.  I try to keep my spirituality to myself, especially at work.  I don’t want people to feel berated by my beliefs, but it was so nice when she brought up God’s plan.  It was really comforting to hear that other people struggle at trying to be in God’s plan but they keep trying.  I beat myself up for my mistakes and short comings but it helps when I try to think that there is a lesson for me to learn in all of it and that I don’t know what that is and that that is ok.

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