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A weekly message

October 11, 2013

Sometimes there will be a theme to my week.  I will hear it throughout people’s shares in 12 step meetings, in my own readings, in conversations with friends and their struggles or even on TV.  This week it seems to be people, places and things.  More importantly, the need to not rest our emotional satisfaction in people, places and things. 

People, Places and Things = PPT’s (try to say it 3 times fast!)

Sadly, because PPT’s will always fail us, it is just the way things work.  We are human and therefore selfish, even though we try not to be.  There is no way that we can please everyone, therefore someone is always bound to get hurt.

We don’t mean to break hearts, cause pain, fear, and be straight mean (maybe some people like to be mean).  But it happens, we hurt each other.

So what do we do about it?  Hide in a corner and watch reality TV all day?  Put up walls and refuse to let anyone in?  For fear that if you come across my mot and inside my magical castle, that you will tear it down?

Yea, you can do that.  You can do whatever you want.  But for me, I have learned that both of those things cause me to live in fear and block me from the sunlight of the spirit.  Yes, the sunlight of spirit.  That might sound cheesy, but for me I picture a sunflower growing all by itself in a little patch of grass.  Nothing around it except a beam of sunlight shining directly on it and this makes the sunflower stand tall and is happy 🙂

That is the sunlight of the spirit…anything that make my sunflower grow.

Now, if something is blocking the sunlight, like fear, hate, insecurity, it has to go, because it stands in front of the flower and gets all the light….it then grows and the sunflower dies….so sad.

Last weekend I was at a friends house and they made me watch a video on vulnerability.  Yes, that is what sober people do, they find great self help videos and then invite their friends over to watch them.  We tell each other how its going to change each other lives and then watch each others reactions while the video plays.  Its actually really fun because most times there is a message that is life changing.

This video talks about how people that are happy are vulnerable.  They are their true authentic selves regardless of judgment from others.   (you can YouTube it, its a TED conference, I think on vulnerability…I didn’t take great notes)

WOW, I want to happy but not at the risk of judgment.  Remember, I am trying to perfect perfectionism, that doesn’t work with vulnerability.  It really has made me think all week.  I can’t hold my thoughts and true feelings to myself for the fear of how you will react. Once I do share my true self, I can’t obsess over what I said for fear that I may have said the wrong thing. I have to tell my friends and family what is going on and not be afraid of how it will make them feel.  I can’t be authentic and trying to be what I think you want me to be at the sometime.  ALL times, when I do this, the person on the other side of the conversation isn’t  even bothered with what I have to say, its never as big of a deal as I think it will be.

I am still working on figuring out how to not put so much power into PPT’s.  PPT’s make up my world.  Without PPT’s I have no plans or activities, we know I love activities.  I just want my life to be an ocean with no waves, is that so much to ask for?  When my PPT’s are happy that means no waves, YAY!!  I know that sounds severely codependent, but I am working on it.  The focus should be on the sunlight, because the sunlight never fails me.

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4 Comments
  1. Shari permalink

    TED TALK! with Brianne Brown, i think that name is right but yeah someone told me about her a month ago and Oprah did a special on her too! you should watch it, she has really good incite, good blog as usual! =)

  2. Shaena permalink

    I love your writing and you! Your real friends wouldn’t judge you for happiness, that comes from weird strangers and coworkers : ). Your happiness means the world to me and I would never judge you for it. Write on Creepy

  3. So I tried to leave you a comment and it came up that at one point I had a wordpress. The about me section said: 24 year old. English degree. Lost.
    Grateful those things are not all truths today. P and I were just texting back and forth about how fucked we are. She sent me the link to your blog, and I love it. Seriously it helps me breathe to know that I am not alone. Thank you!

  4. Thanks guys for reading and your comments, they really mean a lot. I don’t know why I write it, It really helps me and I am glad that it helps you guys too!

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