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Tick. Tock

October 12, 2013

I hate waiting. I hate not knowing the answers or what’s going to happen.

Hell, I am starting to think my entire 20’s has been a series of waiting.  Waiting to see what I want to be when I grow up (still waiting to figure that out) waiting to see who my real friends are, waiting to see if I’ll actually stay sober, waiting for Mr. Right, waiting, waiting, waiting….

I try to force myself to be one of those people who are happy in the waiting.  I had a sponsor tell me once to enjoy the hallway of the journey to the next door that was about to open….HUH?  Enjoy the hallway?  No thanks, I would just like to have the prize at the bottom of the cereal box now and eat the cereal later.

The 12 step program I work is all about living in today and trusting that God has a plan.  That everything works out in God’s time, not our time.  90-80% of the time I live in that zone, because I have seen it happen in my life.  People have been removed from my grip because God knew they weren’t good for me and He replaced them with better people.  I have gotten better jobs, better apartments, better relationships and better inner peace by just laying one brick down at a time and trusting that one day it will build a wall.

I don’t know why sometimes I forget this. Some days its just like, wake up, you forgot to worry about your future today!!

Some days I just get so caught up in making the wrong move that I forget that no matter the plans I make and the schemes I work up, I am completely powerless anyway and its a waste of time.  I have to put the crystal ball down and trust that the answers will come while I am out enjoying the people I have in my life today, for however long I am lucky enough to have them.  It scares me not knowing, I guess I just want to know if I am going to be hurt.  If I am going to lose something I already have or not get something that I really want….but I guess that all goes back to be vulnerable to live life regardless of the outcome…..Let me go back and re-read that blog from yesterday about vulnerability…..

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