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Job or no Job, Man or no Man

October 18, 2013

Last night a friend of mine told me that she reads my blogs and it makes her just want to hug me.  She said she knows I’m healing, knows the feelings I share and just wants to hug me.  (You know who you are).  This is the same woman who for 3 and a half years has grabbed me by my shoulders, looked me straight in the eye and with her New York accent told me that I am a smart, beautiful, intelligent, loving, sober woman and I need to look in the mirror and see it.

When I tell you that I have had women in recovery love me until I loved myself and mother me because my mother left this world, this is what I am referring too.

In the beginning I would look down and say, okay, and squirm away or change the subject.

On other days, depending on my mood, I would go look down and say, I know.  She would grab my face and force me to look her in her eyes as she would tell me, I believe it, but you got to belive it.  Do you?

Yes? I would reply.

But last night, I looked her in her eye, and with all honesty I said, Yes I am.

I am forever grateful for that woman and the relationship we have.  I just wanted to share that because I share on here a lot about how I am crazy and don’t know how to live life, but I don’t think that I share enough about this great piece of space that I call my life.

Really, sharing all my crazy thoughts on here, to you, whoever, you are, helps me to get it out and take the power away from it.  ( I am still waiting for the people from Canada to comment, I am more excited about you readers that you can imagine)

I wouldn’t want to give the impression to a newly sober woman who after 3 and a half years of hard work all you get to show for it is crazy.  For me, I don’t think that I will ever completely get rid of the crazy but I can maintain it, laugh about it, learn how to talk about it and then throw it away or catorgarize it into reality or fiction .  There is no greater joy than sitting with a fellow alcoholic woman and laughing about the crazy insane things that we think and talk about.  Sharing it and being about to relate over it makes me feel normal and makes the insane ideas feel not so real.  There is also a part of me that loves my crazy, when it doesn’t get in the way of my relationships.

The truth is, I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  Despite the changes, the job, the problems, my struggles within myself and the crazy I throw up on here, I wouldn’t exchange it for anything else.  There is a saying told around my recovery rooms, “Job or no job, Man or no man etc…” we stay sober no matter what.  That doesn’t just mean being physically sober but that means emotionally and spiritually sober, NO MATTER WHAT.

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9 Comments
  1. Kathy permalink

    I meant every word of it. You are truly amazing
    beautyful, Intellgent successful thin women

    I love ya. You mom is shining down on
    you. Very proud. Xxxx

  2. You have some wonderful friends there. We are lousy at loving ourselves at first. Hell, I couldn’t even look in the mirror at first let alone, what?? Self love? I hated myself! I loathed myself! You could have had every person on the planet line up and tell me I was loved, that I was worth it, that I was meant to be happy, and I would have told you all that you were full of it. Oh the ego and self-pity of an alcoholic in full flight!

    But we get better. We get into a fellowship, we work steps, we reach out, allow to be reached out to, get out of our comfort zones, see the world in a different light, help others, and then….boof! We find that we DO love ourselves. I have always believed that the first act of self love is getting sober. if we didn’t give a shit, then why would we do it?

    Anyway, this is a wonderful post, full of light and love and hope.

    Thank you for sharing.

    Blessings,
    Paul…A Canadian 🙂

  3. Lavinia permalink

    Oh yes! I know exactly what you mean about the effect that the same woman has had on me. I thank God every day for putting her in my life.

  4. Love you guys! That’s for reading and relating

  5. Jane Orto permalink

    I’m lovin’ the blog tonight CreepyCait. Job or no job, man or no man…we stay sober no matter what. That’s right sister! Keep it simple 🙂

    I love you Caitlin, and you rock!!! Jane (from Ottawa, Canada)

  6. Jane permalink

    You are such a refreshing breeze in my literary world. I enjoy how you keep it real CreepyCait. Keep living. Keep blogging. Keep sober…in every way!

    I love you and I care about you.

    Jane from Ottawa, Canada (wink, wink 😉

  7. Erin permalink

    I wish I was from Canada so I could be cool and get mentions……….sigh

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