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What is this feeling that i’m feeling?

October 22, 2013

Sometimes in recovery I feel like all I do is examine my feelings.  If I am feeling something there must be a step on it or a problem to analyze.  I feel like I am always chasing the bottom of the feeling to figure out where it stems from and how to fix it.

It’s exhausting.

What if I’m just tired?  Could that be possible? Could it be that simple?  Or is that isolation?  Am I turning away from God and my program?

Today I ate 3/4 of an entire quiche.  Not 3/4 of a piece of quiche, I mean 3/4 of a pie of quiche.  That’s probably 4-5 pieces.  Do I now have an eating disorder?  Am I binge eating my feelings and fears away?  Or do I really just like my mom’s (sister made) homemade quiche?

There is such a thin line in recovery of self awareness and self obsession.  Its a hard line to walk.  I feel like I have had two lives.  One life that I stuffed every emotion and another in which I define and redefine every emotion that crosses my path.  Don’t all freak out when I say this, but, sometimes I don’t know which life was easier.  Complete oblivion or complete awareness.  Don’t worry, I’m not reaching for the 40 or the cough syrup.  I’m just saying sometimes this head and heart of mine are competing to be the loudest kid in the school yard.

What I do know, is to not make decisions based on emotions because they always change.  Emotions are just energy in motion, let them out.  Also, tell a good friend you trust when these feelings get to be too much.  If He or She laughs, you’re probably okay.  If He or She is silent, call your therapist.  If you need a referral, I got a good one you can use.

Or like my sponsor just jovially yelled at me before I left her, “you’ve done the work on all this already, just do the next indicated step and keep it simple”

hmmmmm.  Simple?  what is that again?

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4 Comments
  1. Elif permalink

    “sometimes this head and heart of mine are competing to be the loudest kid in the school yard”… Very well said my friend;) This speaks volumes to the masses! I very much agree with your tips about what to do with your emotions. Hooray for coping strategy concept AND application!

  2. Yeah, sometimes it feels that we’re constantly navel-gazing and expressing and breaking things down and examining and discussing and uncovering, etc. It can be a bit tough at times, but the way I see it is that we are learning something that we never really utilized before. There is something noble and useful about examining our lives and our ways of perceiving things. But, as you mentioned, we don’t want to get into obsessively reading into every single action. We sober up so we can enjoy life, reach out to others, have fun, be useful and functioning. I can’t do that if I am suffering from paralysis by analysis.

    I found that early on in my recovery I was doing that – and feeling bad about it. It’s a matter of balance and getting the hang of it. Living in the moment. Letting go. Sure, do the work or listen to your intuition,etc. and then move on. Or we end up in our head too much…and that’s never a good place for us…lol.

    Love and light,
    Paul

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