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Who’s plan is it anyway?

October 24, 2013

I decided to try to cut out processed foods and foods with added chemicals because I get really bad migraines and I figured my diet needed some spring cleaning.  For those of you that know me personally, you know that I could testify on junk food’s behalf as a credited professional.  Needless to say, I am shocked that it has been 3 days without a Diet Coke and a drive thru.  I say this as back story as how I thought my day was going to go.

As an alcoholic, aka extremist, aka a more-ist, I swing from one side of the pendulum to the other.  If I make a plan, I am sticking to it 100%.  I buy the book, I join the club, I make a tee-shirt, I make a Facebook fan page, I go all in.  As a recoverING (work in progress) alcoholic, I try to balance.  When I decide to diet or work out or knit (anything, just into knitting right now) I try to figure out how I can do it AT ALL TIMES.  There is no working out a couple of times a week when I feel like it or having a treat once in a while.  It turns into changing my schedule to make a work out class once a day and not allowing anything bad into my temple of new health.  So my healing practice is to stop doing that.  Stop setting myself up for failure and then guilt with unrealistic expectations.  So now I really try to be at peace with deciding day of if I feel up to working out and trying my best to eat better than not.

That was a tangent.

Anyway, today.  I ate well.  2 fruits and a salad with protein, go me!  I decide I can treat myself with a cookie because I plan on going to yoga later, a meeting and by the time I get home I probably wont have time for a heavy meal so I could use the calories from that cookie (gotta love self-justification).  I eat the cookie.  I get home and decide, eh I don’t want to go to yoga and that’s ok, I won’t kill myself in guilt over it, I will go to my meeting and have a light meal at home.

Enter the cake:

cake

More back story.  My sponsor “suggests” that I go to 3 meetings a week, easy.  Today was going to be one of my 3 because my other days are booked.  So I had to go tonight, even though I wanted to stay on the couch with my knitting project:

knit

I do contrary action, put the needles down and go to my recovery meeting begrudgingly.  Thank God I did.  I can’t tell you what exactly happened because:

What we hear here (there)

and what we say here (there)

let it stay here (there)

BUT what I can tell you is that I don’t know what’s good for me.  My ideas aren’t the best ideas and that’s why I have to act on contrary action.  I drove to meeting trying to talk myself out of it the entire time.  “I am 3 1/2 years sober, I sponsored someone on my lunch break today, if anyone deserves a day off its me”, I told myself, as I put my seat belt on and went anyway.  When I was drinking I used to tell myself I wasn’t going to drink that day, as I would pull into the liquor store, pull a 6 pack out of the fridge and put it on the counter.  “Only 4 tonight”, as I was emptying the 6th can in my mouth looking for my keys to get more.  So if I could do contrary action then, I can do it now, in a healthy way.

Every damn time I do contrary action it turns out amazing.  Every time, well, most times, I go to a meeting when I don’t want too, I hear exactly what I need to hear…or there is some amazing sort of cake there.  Tonight there was a cake, a message and a new TED video to watch.  TED conferences must be like the new vapor cigarette for recovering alcoholics, everyone has a good new flavor and passing it around for someone to try.  This video is called, Lessons from the Mental Hospital: Glennon Doyle.  I still don’t know how to link things to this blog otherwise I would, but you can Google it.  What I got out of it was that addicts are sensitive people and that is ok…there was more but that’s what I got.  Which is the second time I heard that message.  On Tuesday my therapist told asked me why I always think it’s a bad thing to need affection and words of affirmation.  She said I was just more vocal than others and that’s okay.  Love her.

After the meeting tonight, a woman also told me that there is nothing a child can do that a mother won’t forgive.  “Nothing”, she said.  The cool thing about today is that I believe her and I can accept that and let go of the pains I have for the ways I treated my mother when I had her.    What a wonder gift that woman gave me and she probably has no idea.  And to think that I wouldn’t have gotten that gift if I stayed home.  Thank God for his plans and thank God for putting a woman in my life that I can follow direction from and be blessed to call my sponsor.

As for the diet, did you see the cake?  It had M&M’s AND Kit Kats, who says no to that….worth the migraine any day!

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4 Comments
  1. Shari permalink

    I love this one. Great job on the knitting, keep up the blogging, it lights up my days =) xoxo

  2. Shaena permalink

    I really want to eat that cake… And I love your blog! I feel the same way all the time, everything is all or nothing. Thank you for teaching me about the contrary actions : )

  3. awe, thanks Shae. Glad it is helpful to you. Thanks for reading!! XOXOXO

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