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I don’t mean to ruin your friday but…well, you might want to wait to read this tomorrow

October 25, 2013

Today I am having what I call “A bad mom day”.  A day where all I want to do is cry and be sad.  I shouldn’t say want to do, but forced to do.  I have been through enough therapy to know that its ok to get hit with emotion, to feel sad, to cry alone in the car in bumper to bumper traffic, to feel it and then move on.  The thing about today is that I can’t seem to move on.

I was driving to work this a.m. jamming out to my Taking Back Sunday station when a song came on that gave me a vivid memory of me and my mom.  I don’t get those that often so when I do they stick with me.  My ears popped and I got this void sound that rung in my ears.  Like in the war movies after a bomb is dropped, just a muffled nothing.

The song was Long December by the Counting Crows.  I grew up living in a section of Sierra Madre known as the canyon.  We were driving up the curving road as the song played, “And its one more day up in the canyons”.  She was driving her 1989 white Toyota Camry and actually got the lyric right for once only because she liked that we lived in the canyon and the song was about canyons.  She bobbed her head with the lyric.

It was like I was transported from the 5 FWY to that moment and I lost it.  Tears started falling effortlessly and I didn’t notice until I tasted the salt liquid on my lip.  “Stop it. Stop it.” I told myself.  Then I pictured my therapist across from me, “Who the Fuck cares if you cry in public.  Clearly you’re upset.  Isn’t it better to feel it and let it flow then stuff and stuff?”  So I cried.  I got to my exit for work and the panic came in, got to fucking stop crying for work.  This is the exact reason why I put off crying over my mom for so many years, the fear of being unable to stop and the judgement of not “manning up” and going on with my daily life.

I realized that this year it will be ten years since she passed.  Ten years.  First of all, it’s depressing that i am old enough to have ten years go by in a flash, let alone that I have created a life for ten years without her.  How does that happen?  How has life continued on as if nothing has happened?  And why am I still so affected by it daily.  DAILY.  Its been almost ten years, when is it going to not feel so devastating?  My niece who never met my mother told me last week that my mom was in heaven, with a smile as she played.  It was like a punch in the stomach.  So simple.  So final.  She is very powerful that one.  How can she be in heaven if she is in my thoughts everyday?  It hit me then that a lot of time has gathered since her passing and the sense of time felt heavy on me.  We were playing “birthday” about a month ago and when I asked her what I should wish for she said, a mommy.  I asked her why? You think auntie needs a mommy?  She just nodded her head and kept playing.  I didn’t realize it was that obvious.

God tends to give me girls to sponsor that have also lost a mother….gotta love God and his plans.  While doing step work with one it dawned on me, that she was missing unconditional love because the person that is guaranteed to give it her was gone.  It made me really sad for her.  Then I realized that it was the same for me.  I think that is the hardest part.  My friends and family love me, don’t get me wrong.  My dad loves me unconditionally and I know that.  There is just something about the unconditional love from a mother that is just different and that is the thing I yearn for.

Therapy and working steps has revealed to me that I seek this unconditional love from others and when I don’t get it I lash out or feel unloved.  It’s not anyones fault that they can’t love me unconditionally, its normal even, it’s not their job, its her job and she’s no longer here to do it.  I try to catch myself when I do it.  I seek and seek, push and push for people, usually my boyfriend (poor guy) to love me more and more and more and it just causes fights.  No one wants to feel like they aren’t doing enough when they feel that they are and really its all my own issue and not theirs.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t still do it.

I had to write this today.  I had to get it out of my head so that other things can fit inside, like focus and concentration for the tasks at hand.  I really just want to crawl in bed with her and watch Oprah and drink Diet Cokes.  Or eat her homemade tostadas.  Or answer her daily calls while walking to class in college, confirming that I was ok and safe.  I used to get so annoyed when she would call everyday and ask what I did and how my day was…it was the same as the last.  Now as an adult it can feel lonely when no cares what you did.  Again, it isn’t anyone’s job to do that.  But I have my memories and I still feel her love.  I am slowly coming to a place of acceptance with it.  Slowly,  And as slowly as I get to acceptance, I will get to a place where I will laugh again today.  A place where the tears have relaxed me and not drained me.

It’s only a moment and it’s only a feeling. This feeling will pass and the next will come. Just part of the rollercoaster.

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10 Comments
  1. Laura Pawkett permalink

    Thank you for sharing this today…. As I drove to work all I wanted to do was cry for what was. But I knew if I started I couldn’t stop. After I read your blog today, I remember my counselor telling me crying is part of the healing process. She said sometimes we have to step into the garden or sorrow in order to move on.

  2. Kathy permalink

    I believe your mom is watching over you, unconditional love never dies, just because you cant hear the words, you can feel the love and hold the memories. that’s the blessing. we are given signs all the time, if we are open to seeing them,

  3. Katie Keichline permalink

    This entry had me crying for you and for me. In my grief I too, wonder how this many months could have gone by………how could another Halloween and Christmas be coming without my beloved grandson? Who will fill the void in your heart for your mom? And yet I see how God’s hand works in your life through the girls you sponsor, through your counselor telling you to grieve as it comes up and who the fuck cares if you cry in public, feel it when it comes up, don’t stuff it, then your niece’s words to you and I hear and see and witness God’s grace and mercy to you and it lifts me up as I don’t see or hear it much in my life. Thank you.

    • Thank you. I don’t know how to grieve the loss of such an amazing little boy but I do see god with your family. All the people that gather in his name for the walk keep his memory alive. The holidays get better, somehow. Thank god for those beautiful twins. God bless thank you for reading

    • Mom, cursing is inappropriate the internet.

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