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Did someone spike my Diet Coke?

October 30, 2013

Every recovering alcoholic has to decide in what capacity that they can be around alcohol.  The situation is different for everybody.  For me, personally, it doesn’t bother me.  There is actually a twisted part of me that still likes to be around it.  I enjoy the stale beer breathe and rotten sewer bar smell.  Depending who you ask, some might say that I am setting myself up.  That if you hang out in a barber shop long enough that you’ll eventually get a hair cut.  Luckily for me, I base my program out of the book of Alcoholics Anonymous and in there it states that we can go anywhere as long as we have a purpose for being there and we are spiritually fit.  I am not a saint, I have gone many a places that I had no purpose being there and have gone when not so spiritually fit.  However, for me, I know in the pit of my gut, from the tip of my toe to the top of my head that I can no longer drink again.  Ever.  Never.  Like really, I know it.  That does not mean that I have not tortured myself at bars and smelt someone’s beer because they asked me too and I was shy to say, no thank you.  A lot of the times it is just pure torture and I get home so grateful that I don’t live that life anymore.  Many times, while at these places, I mind fuck myself into questioning, am I drinking?  I can only order bottled water while at bars and parties now because if I have soda in a glass, I’m having a good time, the music and jokes are rolling, I start to question if someone spiked my drink.  Its not normal for me to have fun like that sober, or at least it wasn’t normal for me, so when I do have fun at these places I assume I must be drunk.  The rest of the night my boyfriend has to taste it to reassure me that its just soda.  Who would spike my drink anyway?  In my years of drinking where I wish I got my drink spiked, it never happened.  Why I think it will happen now, I don’t know.

The next morning I usually have an emotional hang over and don’t leave my apartment.  Its sort of the same as when I was out there, except I know who is laying in bed next to me, I know what I ate the night before, how much money I spent and 99.99% of the time I don’t owe anyone an apology.  I also know when to leave these places and when to just not show up at all.  The point is for me, I can go and trust myself not to drink.  To be honest, if I ever drink again, which I won’t, I doubt it will be in public.  I want to welcome it back into my life the right way, in private.  Lock myself in with the secret and tell no one.  See, I have no idea lingering in my head that if I were to drink again that I would drink like a lady.  I never drank like a lady and I really don’t ever want too.  If I drink again I want to get wasted.  And to get wasted for me means I got to say goodbye to all the things I love so much because they get in the way of my drinking.  Today, that’s just not worth it to me.  Tomorrow I will wake up and pray that its not worth it for me again for another day.

My boyfriend is a “normie”.  That’s what us alcoholics call people without drinking problems.  I don’t know how normal he is, but I have watched him in astonishment drink half a beer at dinner and give away his drink at the pool in Vegas.  I know I have a drinking problem because those two moments are stuck in my mind.  Its like seeing a UFO, if someone told you it was true you wouldn’t believe it but because you saw it with your own eyes, you have to believe it even though it doesn’t make sense.  Drinking in moderation boggles my mind but he can do it so more power to him.  I don’t know what’s right for everyone, I just know what’s right for me.  For me his drinking doesn’t bother me because he doesn’t really bring it into our world.  Anything that isn’t in my world or our world isn’t any of my business unless it effects me.  His drinking doesn’t effect me.  If he abused alcohol or it leaked into our world, I may have to re-evaluate, but for me its ok.

Sometimes I wish my boyfriend was in program so we could talk about our feelings and I would get amends letters.  In my head, I picture couples that are both in recovery together sitting down every night and discussing deeply their thoughts and feelings.  I have heard this is not the case but it my head its this emo love affair of feelings being analyzed and praising God all day.  Feelings and God, my two favorite subjects.  Most times I am grateful he isn’t in program.  Its hard enough for me to handle my own alcoholic thinking let alone his.  I am not knocking it, I know plently of people that met their partner in recovery and it works for them, for me, my relationship works.

So, in summary, I don’t know the answers.  I don’t know what works for you.  I do know that if you trust in God and yourself that you’ll be fine.  Honesty and willingness have gotten me this far.  Sometimes I have to dig my feet in the sand before I get willing and I have to get caught lying before I get honest, but I always get there.

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One Comment
  1. Shaena permalink

    I know what you mean about drinking in moderation, I also don’t really get it : ). Brian is like that and it boggles my mind! Something about fall makes me want to get trashed, I think because it reminds of of college and rush and frat parties and football games. But coffee sounds super appealing as well : )

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