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Their faults maybe glaring…

November 8, 2013

The hardest amends that I ever had to do was towards someone who I felt really hurt me.  Her part and duty to me so great that I felt betrayed by her.  How could I apologize to her after all she did to me?  Alcoholics do not have the luxury to hold onto anger.  There are many things that separate us for the normal population and this is one huge example.  I don’t get mad and then forget about it.  I let the anger and person build a tent inside of my head and they live there.  They shower there, eat there, sleep there and continue to hurt me.

This particular hurt lived with me for almost an entire year.  At first I was good.  I only talked about it with a handful of people.  I tried to be the bigger person.  Tried to keep my  mouth shut and not gossip about her.  There was a part of me that thought that she would drop out of bizarr-o world, back into reality and would apologize to me.

So I waited.

And waited.

But no apology came.

Instead, the rumors started.  MY name got thrown through the mud and lines were drawn between friends and I was on the side with no one.  I could no longer keep my mouth shut.  I now began telling anyone that would listen about the wrongs done to me, because THEY NEEDED TO KNOW.  This only made me feel worse because I do not have the luxury to do this.  It hurts me more and more.  Every time I told my version of events, I became more and more obsessed.  People agreed with me, she did me WRONG, but it didn’t matter, I felt worse and worse.  If I knew our paths would cross, I would get enraged and scared.  What did I really think she was going to do, jump me?  After all, SHE was wrong.  SHE should be afraid of ME!

By this time, that was no longer true, for gossip is character assignation even if I feel like it is justified.  I now had a part.  I didn’t let it go.  I prayed for her.  I prayed she was happy, healthy, economically secure.  I prayed this for MONTHS with no relief.  DUH.  I can’t pray for God to remove something in me if I continue to do it.  I can’t ask him to remove my hate if I continue to hate.  I have to act as if he already removed it because he will.

I finally got sick of talking about her to my sponsor and everyone else.  I finally felt gross.  I was in a meeting and verbally attacked someone in the most passive aggressive manner for being her friend.  It was embarrassing.  I turned into one of those people who attack others in a meeting.  I was done.

My sponsor, God bless her, pulled out the big book.  She read the part about resentments and amends.

“Their part my be glaring but we put that aside.”

Gulp, I knew what was next.

“We focus on our part, how minimal it may be”

I never EVER thought that I would apologize to her.  NEVER.  But I followed direction.  I wrote my letter, a couple of drafts.  My sponsor crossed out all the parts where I apologized but then would take it back…I didn’t realize I was doing that, apologizing but really pointing the finger at her.

I had my final draft and I put in the mail and ran.

It was done.  No turning back.

About 3 weeks later my phone rang, it was her.  My heart didn’t stop or anything.  One ring and I answered without thinking, HEY!!!

Immediately terror hit, why did I answer?  Why didn’t I freak out when her name came up?  Because she no longer lived inside of me, I had given my resentment away.  I don’t know how or when it happened but one day she was all I could think about and the next her tent was gone.  We talked, loved, forgave and hung up.

I called my sponsor, “Who am I?!?!?! I answered the phone! and I feel no ill will towards her at all, what the fuck is going on?”

Today I don’t think about her. I don’t hate her, I wish the best for her and mean it.

I don’t have the luxury to justifiable anger today.  I don’t get to hate and be angry because it kills me.  If I am mad at someone it always falls back on me.  I always have a part.  It can be huge or small but I can fix my part.  I can’t fix your part.  If my side of the street is clean, that’s all that matters.

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3 Comments
  1. Shaena permalink

    This is so true and not just for alcoholics. Focussing on negative people and allowing it to fester crumbles your temple from the inside out. I’m so proud of the woman you are! It’s so hard to take a step back and allow yourself to ask forgiveness when you feel you are right. Keep on shining : )

  2. Erin permalink

    Shit this should be true for everyone, I’ll work on it!

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