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The year of patience.

November 14, 2013

I know that if I have nothing nice to say that I don’t say anything, ok I get that.  What about writing it?  Making passive agressive eye rolls?  Throwing invisible draggers at them or playing squish your head without their knowledge? 

 

I’m not in a bad place, just a ready for the next place, kinda place….you know?

 

My therapist calls this time of my life, the time of patience.  I gave myself a year for something and I need to learn patience to get through that year.  I am horrible at patience.  I want the answers now. I want to know now.  Now, Now, Now.  She says that I have two choices, to get through this year of patience the easy way or the hard way.  The easy way is to focus on all the other stuff that I am not waiting on.  Like, hanging out with my girlfriends, getting an apartment of my dreams, a job of my dreams, taking fun classes, be with my nieces.  Fun and estemable things. 

Now, the hard way, is staying stagnet and going crazy essentially.  Just standing in one place going, “What now?”.  Waiting for something to change or happen without me doing anything.  I told her that I get confused between self will and God’s will.  I know that we want to be, “Co-dependent no more!” but I don’t want my self will to run riot, I want it to be in sync with God’s will too.

She leaned over and said, “Baby Girl”, I knew I was in trouble.  “There is your answer.  Self will run riot is bad.  But self will and God’s will, now that is the goal”.

She explained what I already knew, that if my decisions feel safe, not out of control and I feel good about them and they move like a knife through butter, then my will and God’s will are in line.  If It feels crazy and scary then thats self will run riot.   I get told the same lesson over and over again and each time I hear it, its like a light bulb goes off.  I forget things easily.  Well, good things, I can remember ALL the bad things. 

 

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7 Comments
  1. Maggie Gallagher permalink

    I hear ya! I have to remind myself that God has a plan for me and to be patient and enjoy the now. I have a hard time with also lumping envy into my impatience… And again I pray to God and remind myself of all the good things I have as a result of not having those “wants” in my life right now and that I have all my “needs” while many people out there don’t even have that… Still it’s tough when you feel like you’ve done everything right yet you’re stuck in the mud while those that have continued to not do things right just speed right past you… The tortoise and the hare… Be the tortoise with all your might and hold your head up high

  2. Yes – we want patience NOW! lol. I am the same sometimes. Patience is actually something i thought I was “good” at and have come to the conclusion that I suck at patience often. I get impatient often, now that I have been aware of it for a while. I practice my best to breath, look at it from their point of view, etc. but there is a base, old way of thinking that just pre-empts all that stuff. It’s something that I really have to work on as well. But it does come. I know that as much as I need more work on it, there has been lots of progress. As you said, knowing that there is a softer, gentler way of going about it makes it easier, for sure. the way I see it, in the end, is that it’s not my timing, it’s the Creator’s. I am just doing His work 🙂

    Great stuff.

    Paul

  3. Kathy permalink

    PATIENCE I need some right NOW , the lines in and out of my office.
    why why why cant they just think like me, then I wouldn’t need any patience it be quick and fast and I would not want to scream !!!!! Thanks for reminding me to ask GOD for help and lock my self in my office so I can focus and be grateful.

  4. Jane permalink

    Sweet Caitlyn. You are young and precious, yet so much overwhelms you. The year of patience seems like a beautiful repose to the chaos created by your self will run riot during your drinking. It took you a few years to GET sober. It took a few years to STAY sober. Now, let’s give ourselves a few years to learn how to LIVE sober. Just be. Just breathe. Just accept. Just grow. Recovery is a lifelong journey…lived one moment at a time. Let’s learn to REALLY be present in this moment, right now. Your relationships will grow deeper. Your purposes will be more meaningful. I love you Caitlyn 🙂 You’re right where you are supposed to be at this very moment.

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