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This is for you, Brandy

November 19, 2013

I saw my friend Brandy last night and she flattered me by asking me to write more blogs.  So here you go Brandy, this one is for you.  It has nothing to do with you, per se, but you got these fingers to type so thank you.

The truth is, I was waiting to write about, what I thought was going to be huge on sunday, but it didn’t turn out that way.  I went and saw Theresa Caputo, The Long Island Medium on sunday.  I was holding out on another blog until after her show, I was hoping to tell you all about how she channelled my mom and changed my life.  Sadly, that did not happen.

For those of you that don’t know, Theresa Caputo is a medium who has a reality show on TLC.  She is spunky, has a hair sprayed, platinum blonde bee’s nest and always has awesome shoes.  I love her show.  She always connects with people on such specific things about people’s deceased loved ones that you just have to believe her.  Or, I could be so desperate that I need to believe that her talents are real.  Whatever the case, watching her show heals me.

I was so excited when I saw that she was having a group reading in Beverly Hills that I jumped on buying a ticket.  I am slightly a loner in some aspects and like to do certain adventures on my own so I bought just one ticket.  $153 and two months later, I sat in the theater next to a stranger that also went on her own.

Leading up to the show, I kept telling myself that I don’t need to be read and that if I don’t get a reading that its ok.  The lack of a reading does not mean that my mother does not miss me or love me.  I repeated that to myself.  I was going for the experience, I said.  Well that’s all bullshit.  Half way through the show Theresa came up to my level to read people and I found myself begging.   Come on, mom.  I NEED this mom.  If this is real you HAVE to talk to me and talk about butterflies and lilies, you just HAVE too.  Of course, she walked right by me and back downstairs without anything.

I promised myself that I wouldn’t be one of those people.  I promised that I wouldn’t be let down or put too much weight into this entire experience but I just can’t help it.  Although, I rationalize the entire experience and know that I don’t NEED that validation from a medium with a hit reality show, I still wanted it.  I wanted to be special enough that it would happen for me.

I didn’t cry or anything after leaving.  I was just disappointed.  When you grow up and become an adult, there really isn’t much to be disappointed about anymore.  Let me rephrase.  As an adult, with a decent income, I can pretty much get anything I want.  Not in a snobby way but I can save if I want a purse, or I can keep applying for a job if I don’t like the one I have and I can go to the market if I am hungry. This, I have absolutely no control over and that’s a little heavy on my heart.

To be honest, I don’t even really know if I want to connect with my mom from the other side.  It actually does terrify me.  I was raised that you don’t mess with the other side because with good also comes bad.  After talking with a few of my friends since the experience, I have found that I may actually be closed off to this entire thing where I thought that I was extremely open.  Most of the people I talk to wouldn’t be scared to talk to a past loved one, they would embrace it.  Where I think I am actually really terrified of it and would only want it on my terms.  On my terms, I am so controlling even with ghosts.  Who knows if the other side even exists but I still want to control it!

I don’t know.  I was really hoping that the blog about this experience would be different.  I was hoping that I would have some closure or peace of mind.  Then I realized, I already have closure and peace of mind with my mom’s passing.  I have written pages upon pages of love letters to her and I made my amends at her grave. I truly believe she harbors no resentment towards me and watches over me.  That was all I was looking to hear from Theresa but I already know it in my heart.  Overall, the experience was interesting.  I laughed, I cried, I thought about my mom all week and I get to check off something from my bucket list.

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