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I’m on a cleanse, forgive me

February 27, 2014

It seems my posts are getting fewer and fewer, I apologize.  Life has been in session and its been good.

I have been holding onto a resentment for about 6 months now.  I was at a meeting and it was when I was really overwhelmed with life and didn’t know which direction to turn.  I shared about it and the guy after me said that he was listening to all my struggles and then he thought about his struggles and he was just so grateful to have them.  He went on to say, and this is what I am resentful at, that if he didn’t have these struggles and his life was perfect he would drink.  That having struggles keeps  him sober.  That the struggle gives him fight to stay sober.  I don’t know about you, but I am chasing that perfect white cloud of perfection for a reason.  I want to get to that cloud and sleep on it forever.  I am sick of struggles, that man can put my struggles in a bag and use them to keep him sober while I sit over here and eat apple slices….did I mention I am on a cleanse?

So, I don’t know why I have been so annoyed at this man.  I guess I just hope that my sobriety wont always be me jumping from one hurdle to the next.  My life has been really good these last two months.  Dare I say it, I think I am the happiest that I have ever been.  I will probably regret saying this, but finally, I feel like all my ducks are in their perfectly straight little row.   Life is good today.  So here is where the fear behind my resentment comes in, because fear is always behind resentment, that I will lose my sobriety because life is so good.  That age-old saying that we got all the stuff back and went out because we stopped looking to God and working a program.  I guess it’s that whole, waiting for the other shoe to drop thing.  I really am not in fear of that, but not being in fear of it makes me in fear of it, does that make sense?  Am I allowed to share in a meeting if I have nothing to complain about?  I know people say yes, that I have to share how the program works for me.  After hearing someone share a tough time they are going through, its hard to say, oh yea?  Well my life is grand.

I guess that fear is a good thing, it does keep me going to meetings and working a program.  Sometimes I don’t feel like going and I think about that guy and his struggles and I get up and go, just to prove him wrong.  I don’t want to be that girl who got everything and then lost it again.  I want to stay in this little place as long as I can so I will keep doing the things that got me here.

Back to the cleanse.  Sunday night I started this Trader Joe’s cleanse.  They give you three sets of pills, fiber, digestion and liver, and then you eat small meals of fruits, vegetables, fish or chicken.  That means no diary, which means no cheese and also no caffeine.  So you will forgive me if you see me in the corner crying.  Actually it hasn’t been that bad once I got over the caffeine withdrawal.  I have just been eating like its going out of style and needed immediate help.

As for the coconut oil from my last blog, its amazing.  My entire body is so soft.  Most times when I am watching TV I find myself just rubbing my face because its so soft.  Go out and buy it folks, rub it all over and thank me later.

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  1. Enjoy your happy time. I hadn’t heard that before, ie struggles keep some from drinking, but to each his own.

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